my "ick" post

I hesitated on posting this last night and today, but c'mon this blog is an outlet for me. It's a place for me to be creative, to share my experiences, as well as my thoughts and feelings. I post about what I'm doing, things I find fun and interesting, and also about life.

In reality, I'm not always happy (who is?) and my life is not always perfectly hunky dory (again, whose is?). I'm human and I'm far from perfect just like everyone else. As a result, I'd like for my blog to be a fairly good representation of who I am, not just someone who appears to have it all together.

I aim to focus on the positives rather than the negatives, but sometimes life just doesn't work out that way. I'm insecure. I know I'm not alone in this. One of my greatest insecurities is what others think of me which reflects in how I try to express things with words. Oh how I have such a hard time putting things to words. I rarely speak up in an intellectual discussion and am scared to death to ever bring up scripture during bible study related discussions in the event that I just don't quite get it. But as a new friend of mine pointed out to me a few weeks back, it doesn't matter. God uses it all; and not only does He use it all, but if I have some wrong view of a part of scripture, he'll iron it out for me somewhere down the line. "...so is my word that goes out from my mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it (Isaiah 55:11b).

Anyway, without further ado, I present to you my "ick" post.

***

Ever have one of those "ick" moments? Not the ick of being sick. But more like emotional ick that carries a ton of baggage...even baggage you weren't really aware of until it slaps ya in the face in a "duh" kind of moment.

(Sigh...)

Yeah, that's me today.

Well, sort of.

Really it started a week ago.

I got upset. As in really angry kind of upset.

I don't often get angry like this. But I was hurt and crushed and just "done with it". Thankfully I was able to spill a plethora of tears (it was a hurt kind of anger), pound out a couple of miles on the treadmill, and then had the ability to talk about it with my love and my mom.

Ah...so comforting to be able to spill out all the owie pain to listening and loving ears.

So comforting knowing I have people in my life who really value me as a person.

Unfortunately I didn't just stop there. I also ended up closing myself off a bit. A suppos-ed form of protection I guess you could say. Seemed like a good thing...

...until I later realized that was still affecting me but in a different form.

Reality? It sucks and didn't work.

Its kinda weird, but something just didn't feel right. Something felt amiss. I really could almost describe it as an annoying buzzing.

A bible study that I'm currently participating in is focusing on the book of James. The day of the incident I had zero desire to study, but I decided to give it a whirl and sat down and prayed for an open heart and mind. Low and behold, I got a ton out of those few precious minutes. Of course I just happened to be specifically studying James 1:19-20 where it discusses being quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.

Ouch. Already felt like I was being confronted. Which didn't feel great especially considering I was still reeling from the emotions of the morning and thinking about me, my feelings of being hurt, and how I was the victim. Ugh. Never-the-less, I felt like I was connecting and getting a lot out of it and was thankful for an answered prayer.

The next day, I went back to studying and this time didn't have as much of a great eye opening experience...well, at least not in the way that I had hoped for. I felt disconnected. I just couldn't get into the study. How could I focus on God and what he had to say to me when I had this big ball of yuck between us? I kept rereading again and again until I finally realized what I was reading. "Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold (Ephesians 4:23-27)" was speaking to me right then and there. And I didn't like it. Especially because I felt justified in my anger.

You know what I did?

I had a "Jonah moment".

Yeah, you know, Jonah and the whale? I decided to ignore God's nudging and closed my bible and walked away. A little piece of me knew that was a stupid idea. I even told this to my mom over the phone shortly thereafter. But I did it anyway. I think a part of me figured it wouldn't really have a whale-like effect. Ha.

Fast-forward a few more days. My love is away on a trip so I'm of course doing the solo-parenting gig. This is nothing new. The only thing that really changes is how the kiddo is getting older and realizing her daddy isn't home and that she truly misses him. It's a little tough to see and deal with at times, but it just means that I need to be there to reassure her that its okay, that I love her, that her daddy loves her and misses her, and that this is normal.

That's not how this week has been going though. In all honesty, its been a week full of tantrums, wonky bed time routines (needing reassurance that I'll be there when she wakes up), frustration on both my part and her part--really just a general overall "ick" feeling in the house. Not cool. Not when I strive for not having that.

Don't get me wrong, we've still had some fun moments too like having some fun dancing in the kitchen to David Crowder Band's "...neverending..." again, and again, and again. She loves that song and finally learned the word "again" to aid in her requesting a repeat. Seriously super cute watching her bob her head and shaking her little body around in surprisingly good beat to the music wearing her tu-tu.

So this morning I went to the one and only coffee shop here in town for a little quiet and reflective "me" time. Know what I realized, other than God's quirky sense of humor mixed with socking it to me straight up as I walked in to the shop? That what upset me last week and the repercussions of my deciding to ignore what God was telling me are still lingering and ultimately affecting my outlook and my approach to eV-eRY-THing. I also realized that I really need to acknowledge, address, and figure out what needs to be done so I can move on from this. When I look back on what had happened that sent me in such a fierce anger I still have serious hurt. I honestly don't know what I need to do to fix this right now, but I can most definitely say I know what not to do.

So while I don't know exactly what I need to do right now, other than apologize to a friend, I'm seeking His wisdom and guidance. Sometimes growth can really suck. Even though I'm supposed to "take joy in all trials" doesn't mean its necessarily going to be easy to do.

Since this morning's realization and putting things into motion of listening to God, I can already tell you that there's been quite a difference. That icky buzzing that I mentioned is getting fainter and the kiddo and I had a mucho better afternoon. Kids are great at picking up on moods and acting them out. Yet another lesson this small package I refer to as Sweet P, has taught me.